The Fast and the Curious

When tensions rise, our instinct is to react FAST: throw up the shield or pull out the sword. But quick reactions have a habit of leading to long regrets. 

The alternative? Take a moment and prime some curiosity. 

William Ury one of the world’s leading negotiation experts, puts it this way:

“In high-pressure situations with opposing sides, I have learned to pause and be curious—first about my own reaction and then about theirs. Meet animosity with curiosity.”

As Ury often says, it helps to “Go to the Balcony”, stepping back from the fray to get perspective and prime that curiosity. In short, detach from the drama to provide space to wonder: I wonder why I’m reacting this way? I wonder why they did that?

Jon Macaskill, a retired Navy SEAL Commander, gives a practical protocol:

“Lead with curiosity, not certainty… Ask at least three questions before stating your position.”

Super practical, right? 

For me, I’ve found it so helpful in the last few years to simply remind myself and my clients: 

“Their story makes sense to them”

This principle (perhaps a mantra) reminds me there’s another story out there to consider. And if I understand it, I have a much better chance of writing the next chapter. 

The risk of fast reactions is that they can lock us in separate stories. Curiosity gives us the chance to co-author a shared one.